2nd Amendment Fiction

Or, Scary Stories to tell that one Uncle

So, I received an email from US Concealed Carry Association that has been cracking me up all morning. I must share and breakdown, it’s too good.

Think you’re safe in your own home?

The fear mongering can’t wait for the body of the text, get it right in the subject please.

Imagine if what happened to USCCA Member Kerri Ann happened to you…

Close your eyes and “imagine” that you are Karri Ann please. Yes, even you Ron! Imagine that you’re home alone in your silk nightgown, just out of the shower, touching yourself, you always feel fresher after a good shave.

BUT a figure darkens your doorway. (I can’t tell if this is a double entendre and the author just wants to say “There is a black man in your house” but given the intended audience of the email that’s probably just the text.)

He? Hold up, He? He was -just a sentence before- a “figure”. Now I have to imagine is he tall and handsome like Jim down at the VFW? That’s what you mean right?

He enters your house. I thought he was just in my doorway?

coming at you with a rage you’ve never seen before. Rage? Do people break into homes in a rage? I always thought it was usually crime of opportunity. Rage is usually and indication the perpetrator knows the victim…. oh right this story is supposed to frighten and titillate me…. So Jim from the VFW is raging toward me, got it.

Behind him, you can see the sunshine and your neighborhood. Read: suburb 1 hour outside Dayton Ohio.

Freedom. The single line emphasis, yaasssss. The author is clearly is a student DRAMA. Watched a few too many telenovelas before punching this email out.

But you can’t get to it; you’re trapped. Oh no I’m trapped with Jim? The only thing between big ol’ raging Jim and my smooth bussy is a little silk nighty? Oh heavens!

What did Kerri Ann do? There is a Lynchian “Who killed Laura Palmer” -ish to this sentence that I appreciate.

She did what comes as second nature to anyone who’s been a member of the USCCA for a while and who builds its tactical training into their lives…

They get comfortable and confident with a firearm, instinctively knowing how to handle it…

First off, in copy writing, I don’t think you want to sell your product by say “Been a member of the USCCA for a while”. They should be a lifetime member who has enrolled her children and grand children.

Also, I want to know how Kerri Ann is building tactical training into her laundry routine.

Wait, she instinctively knows how to handle a firearm? Then why does she need your training? C’mon USCCA, even a figure in a dark doorway can see that blunder!

And so, because she was carrying, she immediately drew her firearm. Oh, well duh.

As the assailant backed away, Kerri Ann was able to get past him into safety and called 911. This is the real fantasy of this whole story. No one who intentionally got this email is thinking “hell yeah she called 911!” This is a stand-your-ground wet dream, protect your castle, no-judge-would-ever-convict no brainer. What gun nut is foregoing a get-out-of-jail-free murder to call 911? Really?

Take note!  I know you’re writing with one hand but please drop your pud for one second and take note dammit!

What would have happened if Kerri Ann had NOT been carrying her firearm, despite her competence with it? This sentence is here for for legal reasons: You should only carry a gun if you are competent with it.

What would have happened to you? The “you” hyperlinks to this picture:

???

Even in a “good” neighborhood… Can the author qualify “good” for me please? And why is it in quotations? If not, I will just assume you mean “white”.

Then the big reveal is that this whole email isn’t to get me wet it’s a gosh durn advertisement. An Ovaltine commercial.

But all these needless, inane handgun facts basically boil down to “size doesn’t matter.” After all it can still deliver you a full 10 or 11 orgasms bullets.

Doubling your odds of stopping a violent attack! Or your neighbor’s labrador because it is half pitbull and they leave it chained up, barking all night, telling you who to kill next, staring into your soul….

I’m glad the Indiana State Police get a shout-out. Because when I think of tier one operators, I think of Indiana.

Basically a Tom Clancy protagonist.

Ultimately, though, you are the weapon; the gun is your tool… Weapon pictured above.

Also, the unbridled “yeah YOURE the weapon dude! Guns don’t kill people, YOU kill people!” is just the most condescending note to end on.

So anyway, I just wanted to share this deeply funny email.